Practical Advice – Supporting People Who Have Experienced Baby Loss by Phoebe Boxer

Please be aware that this blog has been written mainly from the point of view of me as a stillbirth mum (my son, George, was stillborn at 35 weeks) but also taken from things I’ve learnt online through the loss community.  Please know that all losses are different (not “worse” or “harder”…different) and people will all feel slightly differently about theirs.  Use your best judgement.

In the immediate aftermath:

1. A kindly worded text or card can be enough to show you’re there, and that you care.

2. Quite similar to if parents had brought home a live child, it’s difficult to eat properly.  Friends and family filled our freezer with meals (if they’re far away, you could order something from COOK, or even a supermarket delivery), and that really helped.

3. If you want to send flowers, do consider getting some that come with a vase - it’s one less thing to be overwhelmed by!

4. Ask if you can help with something specific e.g. changing their bed (just saying “do you need anything?” is a bit overwhelming and honestly you just have no idea what you need other than your baby).

5. Check in, but don’t expect a reply - please don’t take silence personally.

6. They’re probably already familiar with many charities, but it won’t hurt to share the details just in case - Tommy’s, Sands, Oscar’s Wish, Aching Arms (you get sent a teddy bear donated in memory of another baby, as parents often report their arms physically hurting with no baby to hold), Remember My Baby (volunteer photographers take professional- tasteful -photos of you with your baby). Google “Tommy’s pregnancy ads” for steps on how to block pregnancy and baby adverts that can be so painful to see.

7. Be careful with language, and religious language. Some people may not like the terms “angel” or “rainbow baby” etc.

   • DO say…

     • “Your baby matters. We love them and miss knowing who they would be.”

     • “I have no words, but I’m here for you.”

     • “When you’re ready, I’d love to hear about your baby.”

   • DO NOT say…

     • Anything starting with “at least…”

     • “Everything happens for a reason”

     • “They’re in a better place”

Long term, the main points are these:

1. Try not to avoid the subject. Silence is so much more painful than talking about it, and we (that is, us baby loss parents) will tell you if we want to stop talking about it.  You won’t “bring up painful memories” - they’re always at the forefront of our minds.

2. Include their child in the conversation. Ask their name, how it was chosen. Ask what they were like (carrying George for 35 weeks, I knew him, even before I saw his face). Ask if they’d like to share photos (if applicable). Ask about the funeral, or if there’s a particular place they visit. And as time passes - don’t stop talking about them. My husband and I make a point of bringing George up as much as possible. Because why shouldn’t we? He’s our son!

3. Please don’t assume that rainbow pregnancies/babies will erase or alleviate the grief and the pain. (For us, it merely allows us to realise our dream of raising a child.)

4. Remember important dates. I got a card from a friend on my first Mother’s Day as a mother but without a child with me. It meant so much that she thought of me.  I love it when people send a card on George’s birthday, or even just send a text, and when they include his name in Christmas cards (take the parents’ lead on this - if they always include their baby’s name, then it would be appropriate to reciprocate).

5. Please join in the global Wave of Light.  This is an annual event on 15th October at 7pm, and concludes Baby Loss Awareness Week.  At 7pm, light a candle in memory of all babies gone too soon.  It could be lovely to take a picture of the lit candle and send it to the loss parent you know, just with a simple message “thinking of you and your baby today and always”.  I know that for me, it would mean so much.

The following are accounts, charities and organisations I have found very helpful on Instagram, some of which have informed and inspired the content I’ve included above:

@amotherplace @breathingafterloss @_thethingsiwishyouknew @_forever_mama_ @themindfulgriefcoach @remembermybaby @owfoscarswishfoundation @teddys_wish @4louis.charity @achingarmsuk @sayinggoodbye_charity @babyloss @sandscharity @tommys @the_worstgirlgang_ever

*Baby loss can refer to miscarriage (loss before 24 weeks), ectopic pregnancy (when a pregnancy implants outside the womb), TFMR (termination for medical reasons), stillbirth (loss after 24 weeks), or neonatal death (death of a baby in the first 28 days after birth).

Little Snowdrop

The world may never notice

If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we longed for

Was swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do.

For every beating of our hearts

Says that we love you.

This poem was read at George’s funeral and means a lot to me.

If you’d like to find out more on how to support someone, information about stillbirth, have a chat, or to add me on social media, please email me: littlesnowdrop12@gmail.com