Jasmine’s Story

My journey into motherhood and feeding started on the 27th February (a full moon), one week after the ban on home-births had been lifted due to the pandemic staff shortages. I was in labour for 24 hours, and had given the midwives plenty of notice, however they still only arrived 25 minutes before my little girl did. I found labour quite traumatising, incredibly painful and terrifying! The midwives arrived in a panic just in time to catch my daughter but they asked my mum to leave as I was only allowed one birth partner (Covid

rules).

This immediately knocked me from my safe space during the last part of a long 24 hours of birth. Of course I was in awe and love for my little girl but I also felt empty and cheated (as if hypnobirthing lied to me and said I could breathe my baby out!) and I felt in a very vulnerable place having no trained support during labour. However I was lucky enough to have been supported postnatally by the Juniper team in Brighton, and the perinatal mental health team - as my mood declined after birth.

I was suffering Post Natal Depression and trauma, but it wasn't until I was diagnosed around 6 weeks postpartum by a wonderful lactation consultant, that I realised it might also be something to do with a condition called DMER (Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex). I was told that DMER affects 1% of breastfeeding mothers, however a quick google search (June 2022) has come up with 9%. As well as post natal depression, every time I fed my baby, I sobbed. I felt like I was sinking into a hole of depression.

*Shout out to my paediatrician husband however as he started researching within the first few weeks of noticing my feelings during feeding, and actually came across DMER online but we'd never heard of it before and it is not well researched*. Sometimes I thought I was going to be sick, other times I felt like something awful was going to happen.

Apparently JK Rowling wrote the dementors as a symbol of depression, and this is exactly how it felt whenever I fed, a swooping unhappiness and the life being sucked out of me. What was worse, is that two people in the last 16 months of me shouting about this condition have actually heard DMER (including any medical professional I've come into contact with - midwives and all). I found limited information on Google at the time which explained that instead of the cuddly warm feels you get feeding your baby (caused by the feel good hormone Oxytocin), people who suffer D-MER have a ‘glitch’ in their hormone production. This leaves them feeling nauseas at best and suicidal at worst.

It lasts anywhere between 30 seconds - 2 mins. When you’re feeding a newborn round the clock that’s A LOT of feeling bloody awful!! Unfortunately though, there is nothing you can do about it other than try to make yourself happy during these feelings (chocolate ice cream, feel good songs, strokes and foot massages - thanks Sam). Some research suggests it goes away over time as your supply settles but I didn't find this. With every ‘Let Down’ I felt horrendous. For anyone who doesn’t know (because I didn’t!!) that’s not always whilst feeding your baby. Many times I suddenly felt anxious or low (walking down the street, in the shower, eating breakfast) only to feel my boobs ‘tingle’ about 30 seconds later and then my boobs would leak (the Let Down).

On top of this, I would discover an extremely fast flow and high supply of milk which meant two bouts of mastitis and several blocked ducts, drowning F every time I fed her and generally pouring everywhere. In order to manage this (because F screamed at my fast flow every-time) I had to block feed which was super painful and feed her in very awkward positions to combat gravity.

I never thought having a high milk supply would be so difficult, but it was. My boobs constantly hurt from engorgement, I would feed in public and literally be spraying like a fountain whenever she took her mouth off. I had to do a lot of things (like carry a silicone pump to pump the excess off in between feeds) and then was told I should never pump because I have too much milk! I once collected 7ounces in a couple of seconds of using my Hakka.

I finally started coming out of the PND fog (slowly and with sirtriline) when she was around 7 months old and I was starting to cope with feeding... even starting to enjoy it! I knew the feelings were there whenever I fed but I had strategies now, I knew that it was chemical and not forever. It would seem my baby had other ideas though, and we had to move more towards bottles and formula until I gave up breastfeeding around 7 months.

I was heartbroken. I had made such good progress but she just wouldn't stay on my boob for a long feed and her weight was dropping too much every month. I finally started feeling happier around 10 months and after a year, she was sleeping better which meant I was resting and the shock of motherhood was almost wearing off (it gets better!).

My daughter is nearly 17 months old now and looking back I am so incredibly proud of us both. I love her more and more with every passing day. My heart wants to explode with happiness and I never thought I would feel like this! My body birthed her beautifully, without drugs, support or needing any medical intervention. She was fine and so was I. I breastfed through DMER for 7 months and while I have nothing against formula feeding (she was combi-fed from early on because of her weight) I am just so proud of myself for keeping it up. She is wild, free, determined, happy and spirited just like her Mumma.